Top Things I've Discovered Working At Home Full Time

• Not having to drive to work has really increased my free time.
• Dusting isn't as boring as what I do at work.
• The instant messge "bell" sound on my work laptop is loud enough to wake me up from a nap.
• Who that one guy is who walks around my neighborhood.
• There really isn't anything worth watching on daytime television, except maybe a rerun of The Mod Squad here and there.
• Extended trips to the bathroom weren't just an "at the office" time-waster.
• I think that one guy who walks around my neighborhood killed that other guy who walks around my neighborhood. Haven't seen him in a while.
• It's 38 steps from one corner of my house to the furthest corner.
• I still don't know when to use farthest or furthest.  Nor do I care.
• I don't care about a lot things anymore.
• I better not go outside because of that one guy.
• Maybe I should spray paint my windows.
• I wonder how many sesame seeds I can fit in my belly button.
• 38, isn't that ironic! Also, I have trouble discerning irony from coincidence.  Another thing to add to my don't care list.
• Okay, you got me, it was much more than 38 sesame seeds, but I didn't want you to think I'm fat.
• All the vegetables in my fridge are shriveled and moldy.  Yet, I'm out of cookies and chips.  Ironic?  Coincidence?  Causal?  Correlated? Serendipitous? Portentous?  Myceanalogouslyistic?
• Words are hard.
• Uh oh, somebody is at the door.  I need to hide.
• It takes 3,594,378.5106 sesame seeds to sufficiently hide me.
• You think words are hard, try slicing exactly .5106 of a sesame seed.

Tanka: A Covid Collection

  For Arm

When I learned about
The Mobile Wad of Henry
I could not help but
Consider masturbation
As employment for said wad.

Sid Party

Life as you know it
Began this date years ago
Making it a cause
To celebrate, I suppos,
I don't know, give it a shot.

Domestic Drudge

Rip the cord to start
The engine in order to
Molest the verdure,
Grooming for affectation
Despite brown blotches and weeds.

Wade

When the lines between
Isolation, solitude
And loneliness blur
To a point beyond meaning,
Dude, lighten up a bit. Jeez.

Immune-mediated Polyarthritis

Lurking paw to paw
The burgeoning gimp reckoned
Eight hundred dollars
Would persuade its departure
And the return of butt rubs.

Pledge Drive

Distended left eye
Paired with a sharp nasal ramp
Posed in silhouette
Scared the boy through the window
And creeps out the man today.

Better Education Through Competion

I learned the word "squiz"
Today, as it scored me one
Hundred, thirty-nine
Words With Friends points against Pat.
Take a quick, close look at THAT!

Industriousness

A five drawer chest
Puzzled together without
Yelling, cussing and
Moaning, patience being the
Optimal tool for the job.

Cobras

Friday dance parties
With imbibing friends online
Where chat serves as dance
While sharing music motif'd
Highlight my quarantined weeks.

Misty Watercolor

I don't remember
Much from American Lit
High school junior year,
But I do know that the moon
Was a ghostly galleon.

Incubation

Like a corrupted
Cucumber yields a pickle
So, too, hopefully,
My own corruption fosters
Something as spectacular.

Abstention For No Particular Reason

Dabbler at most,
Reminded by four twenty,
Four months since The Man
Graciously granted the grass
I have not yet partaken.

Source Unremembered

A family of
Six yellow-bellied marmots
Moved next door to me
And chucked small rocks at my house
Until I asked them to stop.

Advice Column

If you want to slice
Gravy, for better results,
Chill it, otherwise,
You won't know which slice is which
And then you will feel silly.

They Don't Even Know It

Oh, it is posted
On the Internet, and it
Defends my beliefs,
Biases, prejudices,
And fears, so it must be true

Perusing a Map

Hand feeding fish at
Ned's Beach on Lord Howe Island,
Here fishy, fishy...
DRYER BUZZER BUZZING, AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!
Gotta go fold laundry now.

Alphabetical Almost Order

A b c d e
F g h i j k l
M n o p q
R s t u v x y
And z, w got lost.

I'm Not a Busy Man

I'm a busy man
These days, so I've adopted
The time saving plan
To start projects at the end
So I complete them faster.

True Friendship

My favorite pair
Of shoes knows where I have been,
Has holes where I've failed,
Wore away their soles for me,
And smells pretty damn nasty.

Back Cover Propaganda

Until yesterday
I never considered the
Concept of splendid
Monographs when a blurbed book
Review poisoned me with it.

Gertrud Bandera

Dear Trudl, with your
Expressive countenances
So well captured in
Sketches by Kokoschka, I
Wonder if you are dead now.

Would It Now

Travelling on a
Weather balloon deep inside
The Congo River
Basin would be a better
Trip on a barometer.

Somebody Should Be, Anyway

Brushing out the frog,
I am brushing out the frog,
Brushing out the frog,
I am brushing out the frog,
Brushing out the frog, I am.

Quite A Leap

Naturally, when
I broke my wrist, my thinking
Dripped of Tiktaalik
Then evolved to concerns for
My career in pro tennis.

Adaptation

Sometimes, depending
On the configuration
Of the food on the
Plate or in the bowl, I need
To change my grip on the spoon.

I Went To Class That Day

For subjunctive mood
My grammar professor said
(Wait, they have grammar
Professors?)(Apparently)
"Was" or "were" are both correct

A Peeve

I have (don't you hate
When people say more in their
Parenthetical
Note than they say in their main
Statement?) nothing much to say.

We Never Did Meet Up

Opioid-induced
Constipation really takes
The nifty out of
Being hopped up on the goop
With all my cool druggie friends.

Etiquette

Having just eaten
Doritos I won't afflict
You by mouth breathing,
But please forgive me if my
Nose breath reeks of farina.

Perspective

I've lived through lost jobs,
Lost loved ones, lost romances,
Lost hopes and dreams, yet
I've never been so sad as
When all the cookies are gone.

More Map Perusing

What is going on
In the cold edge of Svalbard,
Skerries all around,
And should we be concerned with
Not hearing about it more?

Predatory Comeuppance

Beaked with worm, mother
Robin searches for her nest,
Razed by landscaping,
Her chicks surely to suffer
A fate not unlike the worm.

Dictionary Reading

Having three stomachs
Was the only struthious
Attribute he had,
Forcing him to feign to be
Vulnerable by default.

For The Many

Forced under a rock,
To save the organism
Of which I'm a part,
It has become my refuge
From which I may not emerge.

For Gabriela

Tehuacán Valley
Berries reposed in a bowl
Assuage a frenzy
Provoked by war that threatens
Those berries' ubiety.

Can't Say I Didn't Enjoy It

I ate four ears of
Corn for lunch the other day
Then after a while
My effort was rewarded
By a big, fun explosion.

Self Awareness

You may have noticed
I have not been composing
Tanka poetry
As much as I've been writing
Thirty-one dumb syllables.

Generational Amnesia

Pre-schools should teach the
Archimedes' principle
Of buoyancy so
These kids today can employ
Bathtub filling discipline.

Fooling Nobody

Avatar here and
Avatar there, depicting
People in cartoon
Facsimile, yet they seem
To exclude fat and wrinkles.

No Much Passion

Lolled by gluttony
Reading for inspiration
Finding not one mote
Left me empty in noggin,
With a paunch full of regret.

Formulaic Movie Review

If I like the boy
And I like the girl, I'm glad
To see them end up
Together by the end of
The movie, and the nude scenes.

200 Left To Remember

Malleus incus
Stapes, malleus incus
Stapes, malleus
Incus stapes, repeat this
To memorize the ear bones.

Homophonic Folly

Oh picadita,
Kind sope, delectables
Atop pinched masa,
What if the masa was soap
Would you bestow bubbly farts?

That What Makes Each Special

I shan't glove my hand
To prevent petty dastards
From maliciously
Mocking my double distal
Interphalangeal crease.

Frewbud Bought a Rubber

Frewbud bought a rubber!

Didn't know why
Just had to have one.
Others had them
They seemed to have fun.
When he walked back from the corner drug
He felt like giving the world a hug.

Frewbud bought a rubber!

'Twas stashed away
In a special spot
For times to come
When he'd take a shot.
He didn't know what would come to be
Believing that thing would set him free.

What are you gonna do with it, Frewbud Frewbud?
You really oughtn't play with it, Frewbud Frewbud.
Will you ever go through with it, Frewbud Frewbud?
You've got a lot to say with it, Frewbud Frewbud.

Frewbud LOST the rubber!

One laundry day
Confusion abound
It slipped away
Never to be found.
Flailing his arms and embracing rue
Sopping up tears, he knew what to do.

Frewbud bought another rubber!

What are you gonna do with it, Frewbud Frewbud?
Don't be so debonair with it, Frewbud Frewbud.
You will never go through with it, Frewbud Frewbud.
If you don't take some care with it, Frewbud Frewbud.



(This song took over 30 years to write, mostly in the last week or so.  Music to come...eventually...maybe.)

Voodoo Pop (Slight Return)

Our country is one of those runaway cars hurtling deep into a mine shaft littered with dead canaries. And when anyone comes up with an idea, somebody else stuffs one of them dead canaries in their mouth.

In the meantime our leaders are busy trying to rename the mineshaft because they don't like the old boss. Swell times, my friends.

Rodman needs to tell Kim Jong-un to just chill out. We'll take care of ourselves, and he'll be able to just plop a piece of plywood over the top of that dark, quiet shaft soon enough.

It's martini time... take it away, Rev!

What I Learned at AI: St. Martin

A series based on my visits to the Art Institute of Chicago.

Okay, so most of us here in ‘Merica spend November 11 celebrating Veterans Day, which is all well and good because I certainly didn’t want to sacrifice my life running around a jungle or a desert or wherever else our government decided to send our military in this crazy world.  I wasn’t even too fond of the thought of drill sergeants yelling at me or having to get up and do more before 9am than most people do all day.  So for all you who did that… you’re nuts.  But thank you.  Sincerely.

A good chunk of Europe prefers to recognize Armistice Day, originally to celebrate the end of WWI and armies marching around pillaging their homelands.

The Commonwealth instead goes with Remembrance Day, which essentially the same thing with a side of bangers and mash.

However, way back in the 4^th century, there was a Roman soldier named Martin of Tours.  According to legend, Marty was out cruising around on his horse one winter, and found a beggar trailside.  Probably with a cardboard sign claiming to just need bus fare to Sicily or something.  Marty sensed a scam since buses hadn’t been invented yet, however the beggar was clothed in rags and damn cold.  Marty did have a fancy cloak that day, drew his sword, cutting his cloak in half and sharing it with the beggar. 

That night, Marty has a dream that it was Jesus who was wearing his half cloak and thanking him.  Or in a more extreme telling, that the cloak was whole again when he awoke in the morning.  Whoa, magic.   The cloak was pretty much one of the best pieces of Christian memorabilia those days, so they assigned a priest to take care of it and gave him the fancy title of cappellanu so that he’d take the responsibility seriously and not lose it or stick in the cellar and forget about it.  Pretty soon they stole the word and called priests in the military cappellani, which eventually became the English word chaplain.  The word also evolved such that small churches are called chapels.  But I digress.

Marty ended up joining a monastery, got promoted to bishop, did a bunch of preaching and other good guy stuff, as well as adding some miracley things to his resume along the way.  He died in 397, but had done enough by then to become a rock star and subsequently a saint. 

He was buried on November 11, which became St. Martin’s Day or The Feast of St. Martin.  The tradition started in France, where he was doing most of his wandering back then, and spread throughout Europe.  You apparently eat some goose and as much other vittles as humanly possible, mostly because there was a period in which this preceded a 40-day fast.  That crazy fasting tradition went away, but the gluttony prevailed. 

However, it seems St. Martin’s Day has largely been shouldered out of the mainstream by the more modern day celebrations honoring our military… so definitely thank a veteran, but feel free to gorge on a goose and some mead.

How did I learn this at the Art Institute?  In 1597 El Greco did a painting called Saint Martin and the Beggar depicting the cloak event that started it all.  It was done for an altar piece for a church, and the original is in the National Gallery of Art in Washington DC, but one of the repetitions that El Greco did is in the Art Institute.  Gallery 206.  Check it out.

Bob Dylan - Cadillac Palace Theater - 11/8/14

Okay, so Bob Dylan is a legend... I get it.  I don't consider myself one of his hardcore fans.  I was too stupid as a kid to get it, his voice kind of sucked, and it took me a while to finally appreciate the more acoustic or folky stuff.   But I came around.  I'm sure the day I did meant a lot to Bob.

So when he announced three shows in town, literally right around the corner from my place, I briefly perused the listing, saw the $160 ticket price, and then went back to looking at free porn on the internet.  I had seen Dylan with Tom Petty back in 1986, long before I could fully appreciate it, and at a festival outdoors last year which wasn't exactly conducive to a Dylan set.

However when a friend won tickets to the show that she couldn't use, I gladly accepted them, put on some pants and decided to honor Bob with my presence.  Notes from the show:

Bob Dylan dresses like a gaucho now.  Not Groucho Marx, although that would be amusing.  A gaucho.  A South American cowhand.  Like the guy on those crappy frozen beef containers from the grocery store.

Bob Dylan sounds more like Tom Waits than a young Bob Dylan now.  I kind of like it.  Makes him sound more badass than whiney.

Bob Dylan seems to have rearranged all his songs in a country swing style.  I like the sound.  He has a solid backing band.  But they don't sound like Bob Dylan songs to me anymore.  Maybe he or his fans got bored with the traditional arrangements.  I wasn't.

Bob Dylan doesn't play guitar anymore.  He alternated, almost every other song, between playing piano and just singing while letting the band handle the guitars.  That's fine, and I suppose he's earned that right, but my image of Bob Dylan is that of the folk troubadour strumming his tunes on an old acoustic.  Probably not necessary, but throw on an acoustic and strum along for a couple to placate dumbasses like me.  Or maybe just do one acoustic number... just him and the guitar.  That said, seeing him rock along on piano was impressive and refreshing.

Two forty-five minute sets and a two-song encore.  Not bad.  We all got the early bird special at Denny's and made it home before 11pm.

Bob Dylan doesn't do banter.  At all.  Zero.  No hello, no thank you.  The dude has been around for fifty years and I wouldn't mind some insights or anecdotes about the songs on the setlist.  Or that night with Joan Baez in the Village... crazy!  Not that I would have been able to understand him.  But it was worth a shot.

Bob Dylan fans fucking love Bob Dylan.  I felt like a fraud being there, and to be honest, I kind of was.  Despite all my ridiculous observations, I did enjoy the music and feel pretty lucky to say that I got to see him live.  A few times he stepped out from behind the mike and did this little marching in place, swaying side to side thing, ever so subtle, but evoking a response from the crowd as if he were Shaun White landing a frontside heelflip 540 body varial.

Rock on, Bob.  Your fans love you.  And they should.

Video Spotlight: Simon and Garfunkel

Now that the internets have been around for, what, 20 years or so, I've pretty much got my expectations in line with the reality of the world.  I try to avoid the comment section of any post but every once in a while I scroll a little too far south, and I'm reminded why it is a bigger waste of time than polishing my shoes before jumping in the mosh pit at Lollapalooza.  Assuming that it rained all weekend and that I actually ever went to Lollapalooza and that I wasn't too old and refined to mosh.

So I expect, in the comment section, to see an occasional thoughtful remark.  A racist remark.  An illiterate remark.  A funny remark.  An incoherent remark.  Something attacking Obama, liberals, conservatives.  Angry people and unprovoked attacks.  No matter what the topic or original post, I've pretty much lowered the expectation so much that the bar is buried six feet under the ground with my dead granddad.  And yet today, I read a comment that I wasn't expecting.  On a Simon and Garfunkel video, of all things.

I was sitting at my kitchen table on a Sunday morning, eating a scone and sipping my chai tea and stroking the kitten on my lap while reading the New York Times and decided to add a little Simon and Garfunkel to the mix.  Summoned youtube and pulled up Bridge Over Troubled Water.  While waiting for the chai tea to cool, the comments loaded.  I expected comments such as:

"This song means so much to me.  It reminds me of having to overcome the death of my best friend."

"Paul Simon is a fag and so are you for listening to this."
"Bridge over My Pants... lol"

"Can somebody tell me which chord is played in the bridge after the A7m?"

"Why did Paul have to go to Africa to work with those apes?"

"Good luck getting over the bridge while Obama is in office."

"I cry every time, even though I made it through the pain."

"Beautiful!"

"37 people who gave a thumbs down are retarded."

"Your retarded"

"Thumbs up if Lebron James sent you here."

"My parents played this record every Sunday morning when I was growing up."

"Fox News bleaches my anus."

"Malaysian pursestring entering easy HVAC."

None of those comments would have surprised me.  In fact, there are a high number of thoughtful comments on this one, much higher than normal.  But on Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon & Garfunkel, the "top comment" as determined by the Google itself was simply:

"My ex always played this song when she wanted a spot of back door action. Not sure why."

I didn't shake my head in disgust.  I didn't quite laugh.  I don't think he was trying to be funny or go for shock value.  It was relevant.  It was rather tactful given the subject.  It brought up a really good question.  One which I shall ponder as I finish my scone.  

Cracky's Top Shows of 2012

Holy crap, what a year in live music… I attended well over 100 shows in 2012.  No, that’s not a typo.  It took me a year to finish my year end list.  I’m only ranking 73 because I really dig prime numbers.  And to make it easier, I left out festivals, local bands, bands I saw more than once and some highbrow artsy stuff that I sneak into on occasion.  Overall it was a strong year… you'd have to go down to the bottom three before I'd say I disliked a show.

Read up, check out some youtube clips, and I hope you find something you like.  Or don’t like.  Let’s get to it, and let me know your faves!

1.         Afghan Whigs – Metro

This was why rock n’ roll was invented.  A Lollapalooza aftershow.  It was late, it was hot, it was crowded and I think my shoe was untied.  But once Greg Dulli began the proceedings, nothing else mattered.  The sonic intensity of the music, the sinister lyrics, the swagger with which he controlled his stage and the crowd all made me feel as though I had sold my soul to be there.  He kindly returned it at the end, but he could put the devil out of business if he chose.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9D2ARGiwyY

2.         Dave Alvin – Fitzgeralds, City Winery

By all counts I should be sick of Dave by now.  I’ve seen him at every venue in town and in every configuration and yet I still show up every time like an annoying little brother who wants to tag along everywhere.  Fortunately Dave doesn’t mind.  His stories are anything but bedtime material and are accompanied by the stinging riffs coming from a Fender guitar that I’d probably recognize on the street more quickly than my own mother.  No offense, Ma, but he’s that good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSU9vIzFCzk

3.         Deerhoof/Buke & Gase – Schubas

Every year there is a show that surprises me more than finding a blue Tiffany box in a happy meal.  Deefhoof did it this year.  They weren’t even on my radar and the only reason I was at the show was because a friend recommended Buke & Gase.  B&G were good, but I was completely unprepared for what followed.  It was like prog rock coming down from a bad acid trip while doing sake bombs.  Sounds frightening, but so mind opening you can’t wait to do it again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkpjZXgetDU

4.         Mavis Staples – City Winery

Mavis owns the night.  When she cries, you bawl with her.  When she’s angry, you want to stand behind her.  When she’s joyous, you feel so much fucking joy you think your head is going to explode.  To do that in every song takes talent, and she makes it look natural.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5RTxtzAbLk

5.         Diamanda Galas – Museum of Contemporary Art

I was just getting over a cough and cold and a sign was posted at the door threatening to remove anyone making any noise including photography, talking, recording, cellphones, or candy wrappers.  I was terrified she was going to kick my ass, so I filled my mouth with a dozen Ricolas, held my breath and was even afraid to fart.  She came out in her classic goth attire to a stage holding only a piano, and let loose with a mix of schizophrenic, but impressive vocal and musical chops that make Tori Amos seem like a drunken penguin.  It’s as if she were raised solely on Stravinsky and Maria Callas records but forced to practice 24 hours a day inside an Addams Family pinball machine.  It was sometimes as terrifying, as it was beautiful, but definitely a performance I’m glad I survived.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrDwpp7BeR8

6.         Punch Brothers – Park West/Cubby Bear

A friend talked me into going to the Park West show.  I went reluctantly.  I even passed on a free Maroon 5 show the same night.  And all you suckers that went to squeal over Adam Levine that night can sit and spin, because these guys might not be as pretty as Adam but they know how take a song from the front porch to a larger venue without losing the smell of cornbread or the feel of the dirt below their feet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLFzXNQtCO8

7.         Concrete Blonde – Park West

This band has been a favorite of mine since some of you younger ones were chugging apple juice from your sippy cups.  Johnette can still melt the ice cubes in your kiddie cocktail with her voice alone, and you had better buckle up because the songs will still drop you like a right hook if you think they’ve mellowed after 25 years.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmcrEt8uqCk

8.         Fiona Apple – Lincoln Hall

I’m not a Fiona Apple fanatic.  I haven’t sat in my room with an overly lengthy titled CD plotting revenge against past lovers, but I dig most of her tunes.  In the manner of her album titles, I guess I would say the show was A Peanut Made Me Puke ‘fore the Show But I’d Still Trade the Waif a Cheeseburger for a Dynamite Song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIlLq4BqGdg

9.         Metric – The Vic

This was a free show, ill-sponsored and poorly publicized by some car company.  So the venue was half-empty, but it afforded me the opportunity to be upfront for my first live experience with Em.  I’ve always been a tad embarrassed to like this band, and for some reason I’m a tad embarrassed to put this show in the top ten, but her voice is sweet, the hooks are sharp, the set was engaging and she’s got a rad pair of getaway sticks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTJm3_n6kuw

10.       Fishbone – Cobra Lounge

I caught them the year before, and sometimes that can hurt a band in the rankings.  But this band still has so much energy and is so dynamic that they completely scrambled my brain cells into believing they belong in the top ten again.  And I’m not going to argue with my brain.  I’m a genius.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3NyQE17UYM

11.       tuneyards  - House of Blues

Merrill has a horrible haircut.  She fingerpaints her face.  She plays a ukulele and sometimes howls like spider monkey.  It sounds like a nightmare day at pre-school, but via tuneyards she makes some of the most interesting, creative and fun music out there today.  The world needs more Merrills. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wjrmjvfsa8

12.       Jeff Tweedy – The Vic

Okay, so 2011 was Wilco overload, and this show was early in 2012.  So it was initially way lower because my brain is old.  But after some goji berries and kale, I remembered how intimate he made a 2,000 person room feel, his sense of humor, the spontaneity of the show, and the quality of the songs when stripped down to an acoustic guitar and a bag of Funyuns. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djDq_ASjx3Y

13.       Ray Wylie Hubbard – SPACE

I met Ray a few times in my Dallas days and he was always a humble and likeable chap walking around town with a guitar and looking like he just rolled out of bed.  He still looks like he just rolled out of bed but after 60 years people are finally figuring out what I’ve know for 15… he’s not only likeable but knows how to write a tune so vivid that often you feel like you just stepped out of your DeLorean to be there with him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7x-80GA1jk

14.       Chris Smithers – Old Town School

You know how when you have a crush, you want to like everything that your crush likes?  Why, yes, I am a fan of the neo-Baroque philosphers!  You, too??!!!  Dave Alvin recommended Chris Smithers.  I listened.  It was good.  I saw him when he came to town.  It was even better. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HtvroTf9d4

15.       Daniel Johnston – Bottom Lounge

If you don’t know Daniel Johnston, you should know he’s schizophrenic.  Literally.  So the show was what you might expect.  Came out and did a couple tunes solo.  Then left saying that he’d be back out with his band.  Came back saying he didn’t have a band.  Did a few more tunes.  Got flustered because he thought his songbook was messed up.  It was heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3615X2qOA-0

16.       Meshelle Ndegecello – Old Town School

She shocked the world when she topped my 2010 list.  She’s just as cool, but this performance of Nina Simone songs was as cool.  I really dig cover tunes.  But this was a little like putting chocolate in a martini.  I love chocolate.  I love gin.  It might work and you’ll get drunk, but I’d rather have a real martini and then stuff my face with chocolate when I’m laying on my dirty linoleum floor after finishing the bottle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUYWLS7Dl3s

17.       Ruthie Foster – SPACE

I still love Ruthie.  But now she’s like an old friend.  The music is consistent, positive and keeps a smile on my face like nothing else.  I leave every show wanting to take her home with me and ask if I can keep her.  I’ll make some pizza rolls and we can listen to old records and she can teach me a chord or two.  Sigh…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1n_d4eWX0Ko

18.       Bettye Lavette – City Winery

Bettye is still the queen.  But she’s like heroin.  Ever since I discovered her I couldn’t get enough.  But now my arms are covered in track marks and I’ve lost everything and I just need to take a break.  But you know I’ll be back.  Bettye and Mr. Brownstone have a lot in common… they won’t leave me alone. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n72JRd9YVZc

19.       Prince – United Center

A Prince show has been on my bucket list for a while (right after make out with Shania Twain and before build a robot), so his three-night stand seemed like a good opportunity to cross one off the list.  On the first night I had read that he treated the show like a pre-school Christmas pageant dress rehearsal, pouting about the sound and refusing to play guitar.  I was there on the second night and there were enough moments to remind me why I was there.  He also gets a bump for sharing the stage with Jennifer Hudson, who I had previously dismissed but might have stolen the stage from His Royal Badness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sww3CHaTfQI

20.       Hounds Below – Beat Kitchen

I discovered this band earlier in the year and was excited to see them headline the Beat Kitchen… with about 25 of my closest friends.  Sad that so few people showed up, but an exclusive all-access show for the ones who did.  Just like my orgies.  I just hope these dudes keep with it until the rest of the music world figures out that these guys are professional, passionate and know how to write a hook that you won’t be embarrassed to be singing days later.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DcDfQwFAMyc

21.       Kids These Days – Columbia College

Ah, kids these days… they put together a high energy mix of funk and hip-hop and a dynamic show that gets them invited to the top music festivals and on television and they decide to break up.  Back in my day we would have kept at it until we were 60 years old and could charge $450 a seat at United Center.  So short-sighted.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ObNOZuutqQ

22.       Mucca Pazza – Taste of Chicago

The circus punk marching band.  A bunch of ex-band geeks dust off their old marching band uniforms and perform a halftime show inspired by Benny Hill for whomever will have them.  I’ll leave it at that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISJ_0vJaQZE

23.       Old 97’s – The Vic

An alt-country fave who keep the house a-rockin, so don’t bother knockin’.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAdbzNz6W4M

24.       Mark Lanegan – Metro

I was looking forward to this one like an Amish cabinetmaker looks forward to building cabinets.  On the big day, Lanegan came out and planted himself in front of the mic stand, one foot slightly in front of the other, one hand midway up the stand and the other wrapped around the mic.  And posed as if he were a model for a still-life art class.  I’ve seen bowls of fruit move more.  But his voice is a classic, he brought a solid backing band with a handful of dark yet captivating tunes, and he even managed to say “thank you” before leaving the stage.  Oddly off-putting yet engaging at the same time.  Like a date with yours truly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WlWYor-0vE

25.       Carolina Chocolate Drops – Lincoln Hall

An old-time string band, some front porch entertainment and a history lesson all rolled into one evening.  Four musicians playing guitar, banjo, bones, violin, spoons, cello, drums and jug.  I had a seizure when they merely asked us to sing along.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPl8qlKq41o

26.       John Hammond – Old Town School

I like John Hammond.  I’ve seen John Hammond before.  But I forgot how good a John Hammond show is until I get there and he starts the first song.  Then I feel like the idiot who ruined the idiom by forgetting how to ride a bike.  He’s white, but this ain’t no white boy blues band playing Mustang Sally for drunk middle-aged women who can’t dance.  This is down home blues for people who will wonder if Hammond found the same crossroads that Robert Johnson did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTs6DC3byWc

27.       Band of Horses – Metro

Every year Metro has a Thursday night Lollapalooza show that’s usually worth attending so I keep it open.  When they announced it was Band of Horses I was a little disappointed but went anyway.  They weren’t horses at all.  And I also discovered Michael Kiwanuka.  And was able to sell my extra ticket to some kid from Tennessee so he could see his favorite band.  It was a feel good night all around.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0p34ZfZkH0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJ4s3G7hgR4

28.       The Dirty Three – Lincoln Hall

Part of the Nick Cave mafia, The Dirty Three are led by Warren Ellis on violin.  If unfamiliar with Mr. Ellis, you might mistake him for a homeless gentleman who has wandered in off the street.  A manic homeless gentleman who will rock your socks off with a violin and a couple of bandmates who play together like a finely tuned awesome noise machine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCvgkDjUR24

29.       Alabama Shakes – Metro

A band who suffered from overexposure… after catching them at a free local show at a little dive bar, this sold out show at Metro without much new material was a bit of a letdown.  But Brittany still rocks and their music is a breath of fresh air in the dutch oven of new releases.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HxNtWEIKhQ

30.       Dinosaur Jr. – SubT

A wall of Marshall stacks was pointed at the crowd in the intimate club.  J. Mascis came out and showed us that he knew how to use them.  It was loud.  It was a throwback that still measured up to anything out there today.  Rock n’ roll, kids… pay attention.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J37765jkAyo

31.       Blitzen Trapper – Lincoln Hall

These guys get a bump because I just saw them again this year and had forgotten how good a show they put on.  It’s like a Grateful Dead and Lynyrd Skynyrd mash up, and as weird as that sounds it works like a tye-dye t-shirt on the 4^th of July.  Just leave the confederate flags at home, Bubba; these guys hail from Portland somehow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFnCXh_INZM

32.       Mike Watt – Schubas

One of the Minutemen carrying on the tradition long after the passing of D. Boon.  He does a nice job and seems to have fun doing it.  Carry on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPUb85GxVz0

33.       Rodrigo y Gabriela – Chicago Theater

I had been wanting to see this duo and had mixed feelings when they came around with a Cuban orchestra.  Nothing against Desi Arnez, but I didn’t want the guitar play to get lost amongst a bunch of babalus.  Maybe they did, but now I can say I spent a night at the fabled Tropicana Club.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djfNiU1ukeM

34.       Delta Spirit – House of Blues

They’ve got spirit, yes they do, they’ve got spirit, how ‘bout you?  I remember cheerleaders chanting that back and forth across the field during football games.  Pretty stupid.  Yeah, we’ve got spirit…  so shut the hell up already.  Delta Spirit had spirit.  The crowd returned the spirit.  The floor shook a bit.  Good times.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dKKo3f7ZLQ

35.       Battles – Bottom Lounge

This is a weird band.  I didn’t know if I should have gone.  But the rhythm got me.  The rhythm is gonna get you.  Tonight.  O eh o eh.  I got sucked into the whole experience and cheered for pink blobs and multimedia duets.  It would have been a good night to do acid.  Bonus point for the ridiculously high crash cymbal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpGp-22t0lU

36.       We Were Promised Jetpacks – Bottom Lounge

Sometimes I debate myself on whether this is one of the dumbest band names or most genius band names.  In the end it really doesn’t matter because once they strap on the guitars and let the wall of sound rip, you forget all about the broken jetpack promises (but still fantasize about Judy Jetson). 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWQjwt9iUrQ

37.       Kasabian – The Vic

Part Spinal Tap, part dance rock, part just rock.  It’s an odd mix of nothing too groundbreaking, but it works like a bottle of applesauce on pork chop day.  Just show up, roll with it and you’ll have fun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JcokdDs1dQ

38.       He’s My Brother She’s My Sister – Empty Bottle

No debating this one… this is a really dumb band name.  And then they come up with the hare-brained idea to replace the drummer with a tap dancer.  Fortunately I was intrigued by the proposition and who knew that a couple hippie siblings exchanging lyrics over some tap shoes would be the feel-good experience of the year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJEllVt3alc

39.       Silent Comedy – Double Door/Schubas

These dudes from San Diego tear it up.   If not for the fact that they got together to form a stellar band, they’d have no justification for the ridiculous facial hair that would otherwise be annoying.  But it works here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lBKTtWNp0M

40.       Eric Bibb – Old Town School

Mr. Bibb just lays down a down-homey, bluesy groove on an acoustic guitar, floats some smooth lyrics over the top, and chills so hard that you’ll crave a cool glass of lemonade on the coldest winter’s day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeEUNeMXiQI

41.       Lee Fields – Lincoln Hall

Mr. Fields sweats a lot.  That’s how soulful he is.  His sweat is so full of soul, that the devil could walk away with his fill and Mr. Field would still have enough soul remaining to pass through the gates of heaven while giving St. Pete the finger.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJ9obyxAao4

42.       Laura Marling – Athaneaum Theater

Ah, Laura.  I shouldn’t like you.  I should ignore you at best; scowl in annoyance at worst.  But you’re the exception to the rule.  Not sure why.  As Charlie Daniels said in The Legend of Wooley Swamp, “There’s some things in this world you just can’t explain.”  In fact, she could do a set of Charlie Daniels Band covers and I’d probably show up.  I dare you, Laura.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_E-EoSOC_N8

43.       Handsome Family – Saki Records

Brett and his wife Rennie sing dark, Gothic America tunes and kicked it up a notch by doing an entire set of murder ballads at a local record store.  It was a surprisingly delightful way to spend a September evening and mellowed me out in a weird way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEL5F_ulqbs

44.       honeyhoney – Beat Kitchen

Suzanne and Ben make an odd couple but I like living in a world where they not only found each other, but they could interrupt a gunfight and distract everyone until it was happy hour and they could all just hang out at the saloon with a sarsaparilla.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITwD2bCdDhw

45.       Mission of Burma – Lincoln Hall

The horrible truth about Burma is that more people other than the 40-something dudes who remember them from the 80’s should have been at this show.  But that’s cool… for one night we were all back in college except that the beers were more expensive and the floor wasn’t as sticky.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6maMbi4wsas

46.       White Rabbits – Lincoln Hall

Their music ain’t gonna change the world.  Their songs won’t be covered by aspiring coffee shop troubadours for decades to come.  But they have a good beat and they’re easy to bob your head to without being as brain damaging as the top forty. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3px85ixf6lE

47.       Le Butcherettes – SubT

My good friend Teri Gender Bender brought her band and bloody apron back to Chicago.  I was entertained.  Not as much as the first time, but I guess I have a high tolerance for bloody apron, Mexican garage rock. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FssyXpRo_eg

48.       Crime & The City Solution – Lincoln Hall

A gothic castle with a whimsical king surrounded by a moat of black licorice.  Hell if I know what that means, but it was cool to spend a night chilling out with these old-timers who live there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7xRsgzbv6o

49.       Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes – Daley Plaza

Somehow a bunch of dirty hippies got a permit to park their bus downtown and grace a stage next to the Picasso in Daley Plaza for a free lunchtime show.  I took an extended lunch and saw that they were having such a swell time making music that I almost dropped my khakis and stowed away on their tour bus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qb9jY8yAxgs

50.       Maps & Atlases – Schubas

The singer’s voice annoys me.  The bass player’s movements annoy me.  Their stage props annoy me.  Their videos perplex me.  Their general hipsterness begs to be destroyed.  But damn if they don’t pull it all together as a pretty damn good band with some catchy songs.  While I pay $15 to stand there like a judgmental ass.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rMWeHky_uc

51.       Nneka – Double Door

This was early in the year and I thought could be a top ten show.  It was probably unfairly brought down later in the year when I saw her again and started suffering from Nneka overload and her spirit and sincerity suddenly turned and became pretentious and annoying.  I’m sure it’s me.  I like you Nneka.  Really.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY2WwzI_86k

52.       Heartless Bastards – Lincoln Hall

I love Erica and this band, but clearly this is the section of my rankings that could be relabeled as kick-ass bands I just got burned out on.  I’m like JoJo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcXB3eWl1KE

53.       Aimee Mann – Park West

I’ve had a crush on Aimee since the 80’s when she rocked the bass with her spikey platinum locks and rat-tail.  I still have a crush on her and still like her songs, but they seem more suited to my living room than a large concert hall.  Swing by sometime, Aimee, and you’ll easily make the top ten.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fn7F75stXxI

54.       Wild Flag – Metro

This was the fourth time I’ve seen the coolest rocker chicks on the road.  Unfortunately each venue got more and more crowded.  And I showed up late and might have well been standing across the street.  But, yeah, they still rock.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q25zB3lJqgY

55.       Japandroids – Metro

Damn it, man, stop showing up late!  This time I ended up upstairs trying to catch a peek between a sea of more punctual fans.  Great energy, but I might have enjoyed it more had I been closer to the stage than the urinals. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tALN2S2rINw

56.       Devotchka – Metro

Another one I need to chill on for a bit.  It’s fun to mix it up and see a band with a string section, a tuba, accordion and whatever else they fancy playing music that will sweep you away the same way a good movie can.  But on overload, it gets a little Groundhog Day. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ewCzb-HLM4

57.       These United States/Bailiff – Schubas

A solid double bill… my first time seeing TUS rocking out on Schubas small stage, but put over the top with a strong showing from local openers Bailiff.  Nice to see your hometown band hold its own against the more established acts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZs6TIJHLbs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHPqgOPBWuQ

58.       Duke Spirit – Lincoln Hall

I’m my own worst enemy.  I caught them at SubT a few years ago and was caught completely off-guard by the sound and energy.  Liela owns it.  It had been so long awaited and so amped up in my own head that I couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed.  Which is totally wrong.  You’re awesome, Liela.  Like heroine.  I used to do a little but a little wouldn’t do it so the little got more and more…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuTS1BaKHDM

59.       Charles Bradley – Millennium Park

I saw Charles at Metro the year before and gave him a bad review because I was sick and insisted on going to the show and ended up sitting in the corner by the end of the night in a hoodie and the cold sweats and venue security thinking I was on drugs.  I just convinced them I was just trying not to puke on their shoes.  Sorry, Charlie.  I went to his free show at MP a year later… and, yeah, he’s way better when you’re not delirious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBdTVmSVq14

60.       Black Keys – United Center

I had tickets to their Metro show a few years ago but sold them to see Gogol Bordello at SubT the same night.  I don’t regret the decision, but seeing them with an additional 17,000 people at the United Center might not have been the same.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ure7hBl2RQ

61.       Lenny Kravitz – Chicago Theater

Some people want to be rock stars.  Others have to be rock stars because they don’t have a choice.  Lenny and his band fit this category.  It’s not like you’ll see them doing taxes at Price Waterhouse or even manning the fitting rooms at the Gap.  The songs may be a little formulaic, but they deserve to be up there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Te7UY1ItE6M

62.       Cowboy Mouth – House of Blues

One of the best live acts touring.  So why are they so low?  I guess you need to be in the mood to party.  If you are, they will slice up the limes for your tequila shots.  But I found out that if you aren’t in the mood, those limes can sting an open wound.  So just make sure you have your mardi gras beads when you go see them and you’ll have a great time.  Otherwise stay out of the way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOogwevFEZk

63.       Johnny Clegg – Lincoln Hall

 It was a pleasant evening.  He deserves to be higher based on solely on his convictions.  Not for bad stuff like drunken driving, but personal convictions regarding South African liberation and getting in trouble for having a bi-racial band when such things were illegal.  I enjoy world music, but only in small doses.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBpMHxtZeMA

64.       Walkmen – Lincoln Hall

Nothing wrong with the Walkmen.  I think I was just tired after a long weekend of Lolla aftershows and annoyed that they dress so well. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIqTaSwYAfI

65.       Lumineers – Logan Square Auditorium

If only I had enjoyed the show enough to justify the trouble of getting tickets.  I’m sure the band was swell that night but the venue sucks and the crowd sucked even more.  Good grief, don’t you guys have frat houses in which to drink and act like assholes?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KynZoDihWk

66.       Sam Moore – City Winery

A new venue wanted to give me tickets to see half of Sam and Dave.  Still has a voice that mellows me like no other, but it was half the fun without Dave.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oj_MeIijCCQ

67.       Junior Brown – Fitzgeralds

I like Junior.  He’s amusing.  He’s talented.  But after you’ve seen him once or twice, you kinda get it.  If you’re a diehard fan that’s cool, but for the rest of us we’ve been on the ride so no reason to get the season pass.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlFHsSZcG6Y

68.       UFO – House of Blues

I was four when this band formed.  Forty years ago, this show would have been Too Hot To Handle.  It was fun to hear the hits, but I can’t say it would have been much different if you had put a really good cover band up there.  Especially with the Lights Out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-xB9zC3XW8

69.       Hush Sound – Bottom Lounge

Yeah, I had a momentary lapse of reason and really, really liked this band for a week or two.  Maybe I had malaria or something.  They’re not bad, but not sure how I ended up actually going to one of their shows.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FR5hBE83l90

70.       Amy Lavere – Abbey Pub

I dig Amy and her delicate voice singing dark songs and her tiny frame handling that upright bass.  But this one just seemed a bit uninspired.  Perhaps because they totally got shown up by the opening band – the Hooten Hollars.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9kBlT4ojoY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF4likE3BDo

71.       George Thorogood – House of Blues

I went to see George in 1984.  I remember because I wasn’t quite old enough to drink and spent a good portion of the evening trying to secure beer.  It was fun, but I wasn’t about to drop $50 to see George these days at HOB.  But I got on the guest list, and decided to check it out.  I stayed for three songs… just long enough to cringe at the cheesiness of the show and the caricature of himself that he’s become.  And the fans stuck in 1984 and still eating it up….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZwHXdUVBuQ

72.       Greg Ginn  and the Royal We – Red Line Tap

The founder, guitarist and mainstay of Black Flag.  He’s been fighting ex-band members and then made a foray into electronic music.  I was intrigued enough to pay $8 to check this out at a local dive bar with about 20 other folks.  I went in knowing what what I was getting into, but it was still a train wreck.  He played some guitar melodies over a drum and bass track recorded his computer.  Which kept crashing.  He’s also kind of awkward, which explains why he’s always let his singers be the voice and face of the band.  Sorry, Greg.  I really was pulling for you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOlUcRQmhoY

73.       Electric Six – Double Door   

It was supposed to be a party, but it was just kind of silly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GB0_EKS5H2s

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